Harry Potter and the insane author
by Moony June
Summary: You are asking yourself which things JKR will NEVER EVER write into book 7? Then this is a story for you!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: ****I am not J.K. Rowling and I don't have the faintest idea of what is going to happen in the actual book 7. This is just my version of what will surely never happen! Besides, I don't own the characters or the setting of this story, the insanity is mine though!****  
**

**Author's note: ****Thanks a lot to my friend Belga for helping me with coming up with ideas for this and to every one of my friends who might find him/herself a little in this story... please don't hurt me!****  
**

**Chapter one:**

There was just one day missing for Harry to be out of age finally.

He sat by his desk writing a list of things he wanted to do the following year.

1st: Kill Voldemort

2nd: Learn to wash my own laundry

3rd: Try not to kill any more of my friends

4th: don't believe anything a book or sheet of paper tells me

5th: be stupidly brave once again

6th: Hex Dudley as soon as I am allowed to

7th: Hex Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon as well

8th: Leave this house and make sure to bang the door

9th: find some more Horcruxes

10th: find Severus Snape

11th: think of a good speech to give Snape and Voldemort

12th: think of good last words in case I lose the fight

13th: there really is no point 13 but 13 seems a good number to stop a list!

He read through the points once again and felt satisfied. Harry looked at the clock in his room once again and saw that there were still 3 hours missing for him to be 17, so he could as well start with the list.

He went down to the living room and found Petunia Dursley there.

"Erm... Aunt Petunia could you…" he felt really ridiculous at that point "show me how to do the laundry?"

His aunt raised an eyebrow but then her eyes began watering.

"My nephew! Finally you show me your love!" she exclaimed hugging him.

Harry was stunned: "Uhm… sure! Will you show me then?"

The next three hours passed rather quickly between washing white and coloured clothes.

Harry was terribly bored, but at least he was able to cross one of the points of his list out already.

The very moment the clock showed midnight he took his want out and went to the living room again. He pointed his wand towards the Dursleys' sleeping rooms.

"Accio Dursleys!" he exclaimed quite unsure if the spell would work for living beings too, but it was worth the try.

His three relatives came flying down the stairs immediately, looking rather confused and disbelieving this was really happening.

"So, now I am 17 and I will leave and never come back… thanks for mistreating me all the time… any comments from your side?" Harry said immediately.

Petunia started sobbing at once: "But not now… not now that we've come so close!"

Vernon raised his eyebrow but then decided he didn't want to know what this meant: "But boy, you cannot leave like this!" he said in his softest voice finally.

Dudley looked completely shocked and rather sad at his cousin and made his best puppy face while claiming: "I will miss you so much, you cannot do this!"

Harry could only wonder why they were talking like this all of a sudden.

"Boy, what will happen to us if you leave?" Vernon asked finally.

The boy thought for a while. What would happen to his relatives?  
"Don't worry, your life will go on as it has before!" he ensured finally "You will not appear in this story again… well, only if Voldemort decides to hold you hostage to get me… or well, if he decides to kill you just to hurt me… or well, if he decides to kill you because you are muggles, which is a reason to kill someone for him!"

Dudley nodded satisfied. He hadn't understood anything after Harry had said: "Don't worry…"

Vernon didn't look happy: "But… then we will not be in the books again!"

"I bet this Voldemort guy will make my carpet dirty if he comes here!" Petunia whined.

Harry sighed: "Well, there won't be any more books… it's over after book 7 anyway! Oh and, when I meet him I'll tell Voldemort to clean his shoes before he comes here! Any more things or can I leave now?"

His relatives shrugged. Harry nodded satisfied: "Very well then!" he took his wand out again and gave all the Dursleys a new haircut because he couldn't think of anything better that moment but he didn't want to leave and have those points of his list undone.

He felt really good then, because he had managed to cross out three of the points on his list at only one evening, and as soon as he got a chance to bang the door the fourth point would be finished.

So he went towards the door quickly and banged it after him as loud as he could.

Just seconds later the doorbell rang.

Petunia opened the door.

Harry blushed heavily: "Sorry, I forgot to take Hedwig along!" He stormed up the stairs and got Hedwig and her cage.

Then he banged the door after him. Then he turned around and knocked on the door.

"Sorry, but my spellbooks… erm.. yeah, sorry…" he stammered.

All the Dursleys raised an eyebrow.

Finally an idea crossed Harry's mind and he took his wand again casting a spell which made all his things shrink to fit into his trunk and flying towards him.

He banged the door behind him once again. Only too hard this time! The door broke and all the Dursleys could see him again.

Harry rolled his eyes, murmured another "bye suckers" and disapparated.

He apparated only a second later near the Weasleys house.

Someone from the ministry was already waiting for him.

"Oops… apparating license… I forgot… myyyyyyyyyyyyy mistake!" Harry exclaimed.

The person looked at him for a while: "Well, Mister Potter, I should punish you for this, but on second thought, you also nearly killed one student using a Dark Arts spell and didn't get expelled from school, so okay, here's your license, so you don't need to do it without one in the future!"

Harry took the license and shrugged. Things were going well for him that night.

Ron, Hermione, Ginny and some others came out of the house of a sudden.

"HEYYYYYY!" Harry exclaimed running towards them as well "So, Ron Hermione, are you together now?"

Ron and Hermione exchanged looks but finally Ginny spoke: "Listen, Harry, the author has decided that the next two chapters are for romance, so ask again at the next chapter, okay?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: ****see at first chapter please **

**Author's note: To all my reviewers: I LOVE YOU ALL! ;-) Oh and a message for someone calling him or herself ( ) **

**Dear (), the day I stop writing this fanfic because of and immature, rude and very rhetorically skilled review of someone who hasn't the guts to leave a name when saying their opinion will be the day that a pig flies over my head and goes skating to hell. **

**No, I'm not childish enough to be offended by any flame, but I would ask everyone who wants to flame me to leave any detail on how they don't like the story, although I don't think I will change my writing style but I would be interested in the reasons why someone doesn't like this!  
Anyway, here is chapter two , insane as the first one!  
**

**Chapter two**

A few hours later Harry had had some hours of sleep finally and was now walking around in the house so the people who read this story could see everything important from his point of view, which is the view those stories are told in.

It was the wedding day of Bill and Fleur finally so everyone seemed busy.

Mister Weasley was busy trying to figure out how he should get called away in time without anyone suspecting he had done it on purpose.

Ron and Hermione were busy smooching in one corner.

Misses Weasley was very busy preparing a love-potion for Bill so he would see that someone else would fit for him better in the last moment. She actually didn't care much who that other girl would be.

Tonks was busy telling Lupin how sexy she thought Bill was since he had been bitten and asking Remus why he didn't look just as good.

Remus was then busy telling Tonks that he had enough fangirls to prove that he was very attractive indeed (!).

So they were basically arguing about this.

Ginny however was very busy trying to hex the door to the room where Fleur was getting dressed so it wouldn't open again.

When she spotted Harry she forgot about her plan though and walked over to him.

Harry had just enough time to smile before she smacked him hard.

"Hey, why did you do that?" he shot.

"Because you are stupidly brave… and because you left me because you have to kill Voldemort and don't want me to be hurt while you don't mind Ron and Hermione helping you! Yes, that's why!" she shouted at him.

Harry looked baffled but then he clapped and said: "Hooray! I am stupidly brave! Another point of my list done!"

Ginny hit her forehead with her hand and ran away crying while Harry stayed behind wondering what the hell he had done to her.

However he was quite proud of himself because he had managed to do five points from his list already, the problem was only that everything concerning Voldemort or Snape or anything important was still missing.

Harry walked on and let his head hang down which caused that he couldn't see anything going on around him, and of course when Harry cannot see it we can't see it either!

So Harry lifted his head again just in time to see how Ron was taking a sip of the potion Mrs. Weasley had been preparing.

"This can't be good!" Harry thought right before Ron started looking at Hermione even more obsessed than he did usually and chased her around in the kitchen.

When Mrs. Weasley came back Harry was just trying to hold his friend back from running after Hermione any longer. Ron's mother looked at the potion she had brewed and whistled innocently.

Suddenly a rather tall and pale man dressed all in black appeared and looked at the potion and shook his head.

"Too bad I cannot deduct points anymore… no wonder Ronald is not better in potions though, it runs in the family!" Severus Snape announced.

Harry looked at the man and felt a hate as strong as he hadn't felt ever after … erm… ever after he had seen him last!

Harry raised his wand and was about to cast a spell when he heard a familiar voice shout: "Expelliarmus!"

His wand was sent flying and Harry looked at Remus Lupin madly.

"Sorry, Harry, but I think we forgot to tell you that Severus has been proven innocent since you left Hogwarts!"

Harry raised an eyebrow but before he could say anything Bill came into the room.

"Oh, Bill, darling!" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed "You look great, now we should go and get you married!"

Bill sighed: "Mum, I just said yes and kissed the bride… I just came to say that we're going on our honeymoon now!"

Everyone was shocked. They had really missed the wedding and no one had told them!

Suddenly all the women in the room started sobbing because they thought it was such a romantic and sentimental moment.

Ron took the chance to comfort Hermione of course.

When Tonks tried to embrace Snape, because she thought that dark and greasy haired men were attractive all of a sudden, he decided to run for his life before it was too late.

Ginny hugged Harry tightly and Molly finally found Arthur to be hugged too.

"While we're at it, Ginny" Harry began "I really really love you and well, what the heck, of course I want to be with you even if this means that you'll die an early, unsuspected and useless but maybe terribly painful death!"

"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!" Ginny sobbed as a reply.

"Girl, you've got a problem!" Ron stated at this but none of the others seemed to care.

Suddenly they heard Severus scream which caused everyone to run to a window to look what had happened.

The former DADA teacher, former Potions teacher, was trying to escape from two fangirls, one approximately 14 years old and English girl and the other from Germany, on his broom. (Not that I think about anyone in particular at this point!)

Everyone laughed about this, only Severus had a kind of worried and hunted expression on his face.

Suddenly something dawned on Harry and so he asked: "Hey, what's up with Snape now?"

Lupin blushed: "Oops, I forgot to tell you the story again! Maybe I should do it now…"

Everyone looked at him raising one eyebrow.

"Okay, so well, Severus was proven innocent because… uhm… well, does anyone know the reason?"

Suddenly someone appeared out of nowhere.

"Sorry to disturb you! But I have a few reasons for this, and if none of you know the answer then I'd like to explain it to you!" she said.

Everyone shrugged only Ron asked: "Who are you?"

"No need to tell you my name!" the girl explained "I'll disappear after stating my points and not appear again, probably anyway, so there's not need to make a complicated introduction!"

Everyone nodded satisfied with this.

"So, then I can start to explain my 10 point program to prove Severus Snape innocent to you, can I?" she began and right after went on talking: "1st: About JK: When has anything ever been as it seemed on the first sight? NEVER! Yet we knew in chapter 2 that Sev's a loyal Death Eater and that he's up to something very bad... so basically that would mean that JK is breaking with her own way of telling a story, which is very hard for an author to do, so I would guess it's not like that!

2nd: The scene were DD dies: Draco's there, but he doesn't want or cannot kill him... then Sev comes in and suddenly DD is pleading... "Severus, please..." but at that time, there were 4 more DEs who would have killed him gladly around... so why did he only plead with Sev? And if he would have pleaded for his life.. wouldn't he say: "Severus, don't!" or something like that?  
Besides, he was already pleading BEFORE Snape had raised his wand... well, maybe he was pleading for him to get it over with and kill him before the werewolf does it!  
And the look of hate on Sev's face says nothing.. I mean, you need to feel hate in order to perform an unforgiveable curse... so there you have the reason for hate... and it's not said that he had to hate DD for that matter... he could as well just use his hate for Harry, james, Sirius, Voldy, or even himself so he could cast the Avada Kedavra... I also think it's suspicious that he showed the hate actually, because usually he doesn't show any emotions, or tries to at least!

3rd: throughout the book it seemed to me that DD knew he was going to die... suddenly he was in such a hurry to find everythign about Tom Riddle... and what'S more to tell everything to Harry and explain everything... I really think he knew before that he had to die!

4th: No one could ever keep the DADA job longer than a year after RIDDLE had tried to get it... it's not really to do with Sev but I still thought it was interesting

5th: Sev didn't even curse Harry back at the end... although Harry was trying hard to hex him! Well, he could just have fought back, without killing Harry! And what's more he didn't even allow that the other DE harmed Harry... although Voldy couldn't have made him responsible for that... So he was basically saving Harry... and he was even giving him a lesson on how he had to leanr occlumency in order to be able to fight someone who is able to do legilimency! In fact, Snape can do that, but also Voldy... so he was giving Harry a clue on what he had to learn to be able to fight Voldy!

6th: Dumbledore: He was totally sure that Snape was on his side... and I mean totally sure! It couldn't be that he ONLY let him teach at hogwarts and everything just because he said he felt bad for killing his worst enemy... there has to be more about it!

7th DD again: Dumbledore knows people rather well, as he has proven with Riddle... yet Sev was around for 16 years, and around closely and he wouldn't have noticed anything? Seems strange to me!

8th: Sev would have had to die if someone but Draco or him would have killed Dumbledore... and Hagrid overheard them arguing about something Snape didn't want to do anymore!  
As we've seen with Harry and the whole cave adventure... DD didn't mind to be hurt (even fatally wounded) himself, as long as others stay save... if he knew that Draco had to kill him and that sev made that unbreakable vow... well, then something like "Severus, you made that vow, and I want you to kill me, when it comes to it!" would be very likely for him to say.  
It might even be that they were arguing about this point!

9th: the Horcruxes: Well, if the snake is really a horcrux, then they need someone very close to Voldy in order to destroy it... I don't think that Voldy leaves Nagini anywhere where everyone could have access! So they would still need a spy... and not a common spy but someone who is really really close to Voldy... someone like his fav. Death Eater! And when Snape killed DD he surely looked good in Voldy's eyes... if any other had done it, then 1st: Sev would have died and second: someone else would have gotten in that better position.. So it could be that Sev has to destroy Nagini because before the snake is dead, well Voldy can't be killed once again!  
And it is really like something DD would do... sacrifice himself so Voldy can be killed... so Harry is rather safe for the moment... and as I said before he was old and ill... he wouldn't have made it probably...

and last but not least 10th: When DD was poisioned by that potion.. he wanted to see SEVERUS ONLY! Well, what do they have a nurse for? I mean, Pomfrey could have cared for him too for sure, but he wanted to see Severus! It might be far fetched, but I think it was THEIR plan that Sev would kill DD so he would look like totally loyal to Voldy and the vow wouldn't be broken."

Then the girl disappeared and was never again seen in the magical world, which pleased everyone a lot!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: see at first chapter **

** Author's note: **annielisey16 thank you for writing again but now I am sorry to tell you that this really isn't supposed to make any sense, so you will not come to like this if you do not like it up to now, but don't worry, I am not forcing you to read this! ;-)

To all my other readers: I am sorry to tell you that I am totally blocked right now... hates writers block so the updates might take a while from now on...

**Chapter three**

After this disastrous wedding day everyone went back to their work or whatever.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Lupin, Tonks and well, a lot of the others went back to the new Order of the Phoenix Headquarters.

As they couldn't use the house at Grimmauld place anymore they had decided to choose a place where Lord Voldemort would never search for them.

It was not only top secret but also very practical, since they could wash their laundry while waiting for anyone to say something interesting or important.

A muggle launderette was really a perfect place to talk about all the details of the war!

Anyway, since Dumbledore was not able to lead the order right then McGonagall went to the front and started talking: "So, Voldemort is still getting more and more powerful, the ministry doesn't do anything effective other than imprisoning innocent people, which is good for them because they're safer in Azkaban than anywhere else, and Dumbledore is dead… but there are also good news!"

Everyone held his or her breath looking at the woman and hoping she'd continue.

"Well, first, Dumbledore's last will has been found… everything goes to Harry, although I have to say that there really isn't that much he really owned…"

Harry was happy, all the others were bored because they were not affected at all by this and Ron and Hermione were spotted smooching in the corner once again.

"Oh, and the shopkeeper said that we can have fabric softener for free because we're here so often!" McGonagall said ending her speech.

Everyone cheered and went to get their laundry done finally.

Harry felt very happy that he had really asked his aunt to show him how to wash clothing then!

Anyway, all the machines were taken already so he sat and waited. As Minerva came close enough he asked her finally: "So, what did I inherit this time?"

"Machine three!" the woman answered.

"He owned a washing machine?" Harry asked disbelieving.

"No, but he left you his laundry… and since it was dirty I thought that I'd wash it for you!" she explained.

Harry nodded and hoped that the old woman would go away soon because right then she was freaking him out.

When he heard the signal tone of machine three Harry went over to see what the old headmaster had left him.

While he was on his way he passed Tonks by who was flirting with Mad Eye Moody.

"Err... don't you care?" he asked Lupin.

Remus shrugged lightly: "Not really, she explained to me that it was just a big confusion right from the start because Moony and Moody sound so similar!"

"Wow, you're taking it really well!" Harry stated admiringly.

Lupin looked at him and raised an eyebrow: "I've eaten my chocolate supplies for the next three months already, now I feel fine again… who needs women anyway? I'm better off with my chocolate!"

Then he wiped away a tear and turned around just to run into an approximately 20 year old Australian, who would try to be a Mary-Sue for the rest of the chapters, or at least get some chocolate herself.

Harry rolled his eyes as the Australian Fangirl convinced Lupin to feed her some of his left over chocolate and continued his way to the washing machine.

Once he had Dumbledore's laundry out of the machine and his own into it he went to look what he had inherited exactly.

He was shocked! The Horror! The unbelievable cruelty!  
"NO ONE REALLY EXPECTS ME TO WEAR THOSE, DO THEY?" Harry exclaimed in shock and held some of Dumbledore's robes with star pattern as far as he could from his body.

Everyone seemed to ignore him however, so this would be another problem he would have to solve all by himself.

Then he went on looking through the basket filled with clothing.

"Boxer shorts…" he mumbled "He's left me his old boxer shorts… hey, what's that?"

He had just discovered that there was a name written on them 'Godric Gryffindor'.

Harry held his breath as he noticed that there was also something else written under the name 'I would never use this as a Horcrux, so don't bother destroying these' signed Tom Marvolo Riddle or Lord Voldemort.

Suddenly someone looked over Harry's shoulder. It was Ginny Weasley.

"Hey, you inherited Dumbledore's lucky boxers!" she stated.

Harry looked at her disbelieving: "How do you know this?"

"Well, you know, in our last year he was so busy to explain everything to everyone, and I was in detention… AND I HADN'T ASKED FOR THE STORY, OKAY?" Ginny explained.

Harry giggled. He thought this was very hilarious and also ridiculous to say the least, but by then he was used to crazy things.

He merely shrugged and put the stuff into his trunk as well because he thought that it might have some meaning for the story as it went on.

"So, Harry, will you go back to Hogwarts or will you not?" Hermione asked all of a sudden, because she thought she had had too little to say in the last few chapters.

Harry shrugged: "I am not sure, but if I go back I will not be able to search for Voldemort and Snape… oh, wait I don't need to search for Snape anymore… anyway, the Horcruxes won't come to me, but well, I might go back to school, what's a year without any magical education and any quotes from 'Hogwarts a history'?"

"Now you mention it, did you know that one cannot…" Hermione began.

"Apparate or Disapparate on Hogwarts ground… even I know that now, Hermione!" Ron stated. He had felt lonely since she had left the corner and he also wanted to say something for once.

Hermione pouted and ran off to the girls bathroom crying.

"She does this every time!" Ron complained.

"Spider!" Ginny shouted.

Ron jumped to the ceiling.

"You do THIS every time!" she said and threw her hair over her shoulder walking after Hermione.

Harry could only wonder what had happened to the chapter which had started soooooooooooooooooooooooooo seriously!

He hoped it would be over soon now, because he couldn't think of anything funny to say and everyone would expect that he as a main character would say something sooner or later.

Then there was the fade out of the scene and Harry sighed relieved.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:**** Three things to recognize Joane K. Rowling: First, she's not sitting on my chair, second, she's not wearing my clothes (I doubt she ever would) and third: her names is JKR and NOT Sandra, or Moony June for that matter... **

**Author's note: I've overcome my writers block! For today anyway... **

**Chapter four**

Everyone was getting ready to return to Hogwarts soon again.

Harry, Ron and Hermione decided just to apparate at Hogsmeade so they wouldn't need to go by train, which promised to be rather boring because Draco was not there anymore so there was no one to argue with.

Harry and Hermione apparated exactly where they wanted to appear, only Ron was nowhere to be seen.

Hermione nearly got a heart attack but finally she remembered that she was supposed to be the one who's staying cool and logical in every situation and so they started to search for their friend.

When they reached Hogwarts grounds finally and walked up to the main entrance to tell any teacher that Ron had disappeared, Ron was already waiting for them at the entrance.

"RON!" Harry and Hermione exclaimed at the same time.

"Hey pals!" he said eventually as if nothing had happened.

"What happened?" Harry asked because Hermione was already busy hugging Ron.

"Well, I made a little mistake while apparating…" he explained "And suddenly I found myself in front of the door!"

"But one cannot apparate on Hogwarts grounds!" Hermione insisted "I read that in…"

"… Hogwarts a history, I know! But I did it… so no one but me can apparate on Hogwarts grounds... I CAN SOMETHING SPECIAL! I HAVE SUPER-POWERS!" Ron said happily.

Suddenly the new headmistress, Minerva McGonagall, walked towards them.

"I am sorry to disappoint you, Mister Weasley, but everyone can apparate around here!"

Hermione pouted: "But in Hogwarts, a history it says…"

"I know, Miss Granger, but it was just a rumour we tried to spread so no one would try to do it…" McGonagall explained.

"Oh, good idea to put it in the most read book of the library then!" Harry stated sarcastically, because he thought he hadn't said anything for too long already.

"Actually, you're right Mister Potter, no one read this book… I mean, like no one ever since it had been written, well, except for Miss Granger. So we also put it in the Daily Prophet and the Quibbler." the headmistress explained "actually, the Quibbler was most effective…"

Hermione rolled her eyes but didn't say anything more.

Finally they walked into the castle just a few moments before some other students arrived too.

Suddenly Harry walked towards one boy and looked at him madly.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL MY FRIENDS?"

The boy looked scared. "I… I didn't say anything… I don't even know you!" he stammered.

Hermione ran towards Harry and held him back from doing anything to the boy.

"Harry, all of us miss Draco... but you cannot hex every blonde boy you see!"

He sighed and sniffed a few times and then mumbled: "But I need an enemy… now that Draco's away… and even Snape…"

"Very well, Mister Potter…" he heard a cold voice say behind him.

Harry's heart jumped for a moment. Could it really be that Snape had returned?

He turned around and shrieked loudly. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Professor Trelawney raised an eyebrow. She was dressed all in black now and hadn't washed her hair ever since Professor Snape had left the school.

Ron looked at her and wiped a tear away: "So you miss him too?"

Trelawney nodded slightly: "I thought I'd make it easier for you kids when I take his role for a while!"

Then her expression turned darker again and she looked at Harry as if he was less than an insect.

"So, Mister Potter, I predict you'll be in detention tonight!" she hissed in her best Snape-alike tone.

Harry jumped up and down excitedly. "YAY! I am in detention… phew, I already feared that this would have an end this year!"

It took another long while before all of them were settled at their house tables and the sorting could start.

Harry couldn't help thinking that the Sorting Hat was getting old when it sang "young and hopeless" by Good Charlotte instead of any song about Hogwarts.

Maybe it was just its way to say that everyone here might be going to die sooner than they thought though.

The song reminded the Slytherins of Snape so much that all of them started sobbing though. So no one could hear half the song because the greater mass of the students were sobbing heavily by then.

Finally everyone was sorted and McGonagall stood up to hold her speech.

Harry just hoped this speech would be any more cheerful than the last he had heard.

"Good evening, new and old students, and new and old teachers!" she started "So, we've got a few changes again. As every year Mister Filch will kill everyone who dares to leave any dirt anywhere! But what's new: We didn't find anyone for the position of the Transfiguration teacher, so you all passed without taking the class. And well, Dumbledore is away, so the Death Eaters and Lord Voldemort might try to invade the school every day now… oh, and while we are at it: Welcome our new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, Tom Marvolo Riddle, or well, Lord Voldemort!"

Everyone went silent and looked towards the teachers table disbelieving.

"Now don't act so shocked!" McGonagall shot "We couldn't hold any teacher longer than a year ever since he had applied for the job, so maybe that's the way to get rid of him! Or we'll have a teacher longer than for a year now!"

Everyone nodded satisfied; this seemed to be very logical.

Voldemort then stood up and took his hood off.

"Thank you Minerva, actually I have already taught some of the students here, only the last time I've been hidden under a turban…"

"NOT AN IMPROVEMENT WE CAN SEE YOUR FACE NOW!" someone dared to shout.

Voldemort smiled lightly and took his wand: "Crucio! Well, after one year in my class you might be able to do this too, or even block the spell, if I decide to show you!"

Harry felt lightly sick all of a sudden. He decided that he hadn't eaten enough lately most surely and so he filled his plate as soon as the food appeared finally.

The new DADA lessons promised to be very interesting.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Who thinks I am JK? waits for someone to raise their hand Who thinks that someone would pay for this story even if I would take money which I don't? waits for answer again Who thinks that I've written more than enough disclaimers already? waits for answer again **

**Author's note: I'm leaving this update for Juan so he can laugh his head off a little more tonight! **

**Chapter five**

The next day came without any remarkable events in between dinner of the former day and breakfast of the new day, which was remarkable anyway, because it hadn't taken Harry as long as this to get into trouble ever before.

As he, Ginny, Hermione and Ron took their seats by the Gryffindor table everything seemed to be calm and nice, except for the fact that Lord Voldemort was sitting among the teachers, but they would have to get used to this.

Not much later Professor McGonagall came to hand their new schedules out.

Harry noticed at the first sight that something couldn't be right with his immediately. It might have been his perfectly trained senses, his really stunning intelligence, or simply the fact that there were no other lessons than DADA on the schedule which told him that something was wrong.

"Professor… or Headmistress… however… what's wrong with this?" he asked finally and held the sheet under Minerva's nose.

She sighed: "We thought that it might be a good idea if you spent much time with… I meant in DADA lessons, you… er… might find it useful some time!"

Harry frowned: "You are basically saying that no DADA teacher survived longer than a year with me as a student and you want this to go on with Professor You-Know-Who?"

"No!" Minerva claimed "We would never ever use a STUDENT for any very very dangerous things like this…"

"I haven't noticed this the last few years!" Harry murmured but went back to his seat right afterwards.

Not all too much later Harry had to go to his first lesson, which was, SURPRISINGLY, a DADA lesson.

And the worst was that it was a first years DADA lesson, but it wasn't all too bad thinking that the teachers (except for Lupin in their third year) had never taught them all too much, so it might be nice to redo some things, or so Harry thought.

He could have kicked himself for this thought as soon as Professor He-Who-Must-Not-be-named entered the classroom.

All the first years (plus Harry of course) stood up and greeted their new teacher, but it was quite obvious that they weren't sure of what to call him.

Everyone said: "Good morning…" but then some added "Professor You-Know-Who" some decided to say: "Professor He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" there were even some who dared to name him: "Professor Dark Lord" and very few said: "Professor Voldemort" only Harry stood up and said "Hey Voldy!"

The Professor however nodded and went to his desk. "I think I should clear some things!" he stated in a neutral tone, "First, HEY KIDS!"

Harry frowned, if this was going to be any more ridiculous, then he was sure to faint from insanity overload.

"Then, as for my name, please, just call me Professor Riddle… it sounds cool, doesn't it?"

Some students whistled innocently, some coughed embarrassed but no one dared to make eye contact with the Professor.

Voldemort stood up and pointed his wand at the students as if he was about to hex them all but then he sat again and murmured: "Sorry, fell back into old patterns!"

There were a few seconds when no one spoke but then he chose to continue the talk: "Did you know that I wanted to call myself He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-Tommy-Tom-Tom first? Only my PR people thought that it would be a very bad idea to tell everyone what I didn't want to be called!"

Harry already felt close to fainting. He had no idea of how much insanity there was still to come.

"And You-Know-Who was planned to be my name if I had managed to make career as a gangster rapper! Luckily Harry already found out what Lord Voldemort meant so I don't need to explain this again, all of you surely read that book! IF YOU DIDN'T… DO NOW!"

With a wink to Harry he added: "I get ten percent of every sold book!"

"TEN PERCENT?" someone exclaimed because they couldn't believe it.

"Yes, but that's only about thirty pages of each book…"

Harry felt unable of thinking over this anyway and so he just nodded.

"Anyway, I would like to go back to Tom Riddle now, because it simply is easiest to spell, you see, I always take too much time writing out or even saying my name, so you can just call me Professor Riddle!"

The first years needed a few moments to let this sink in but then they nodded and chorused: "Professor Riddle…" which seemed to please Lord Voldemort quite a l…

"It seems someone didn't listen to me!"

As it was obvious that Professor RIDDLE had noticed that narrators mistake, who decided to be more careful with the way of telling from that moment on, but probably she would forget about this within a chapter and go back to calling him other names again, which shouldn't be the topic now because it really hasn't anything to do with the story itself.

"If she's going on like this, she'll be flamed again in no time!" Harry murmured.

Suddenly something fell off the ceiling and hit Harry's head, who learned the hard way that one should never upset the narrator.

Lord Vol… I meant, Professor Riddle went on talking about Dark Arts in the meantime, but because this isn't really relevant for the story, neither does the writer know anything about Dark Arts, we can just leave this part aside and concentrate on Harry.

He moved around on his chair feeling rather uneasy murmuring: "I feel watched!" all the time.

This however finally gave Harry the rest and so he just fainted without giving any further reasons.

It took the Professor about forty minutes to notice that this had happened however but when he finally saw that Harry didn't move anymore, he sent some students to the hospital wing. The only problem was that he forgot to tell them to take Harry along.

Riddle sighed exaggeratedly and put a spell on Harry to have him float to the hospital wing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:**** I am pretty sure that I am not JKR... at least I haven't been the last time I checked, which means that I don't own anything but she does... oh and I am pretty sure that she'd kill me for this story... **

**Author's note: ****I came home yesterday and found my e-mail account flooded by 26 mails... after sorting the spam-mails out there were still 14 left... and those were reviews for this story... and it really really touched me to read them all. So thank you all for the reviews! I updated fast this time but writers block here I come again so the next one might take a little longer...  
**

**chapter six**

Harry woke up at the hospital wing just a little later.

Madame Pomfrey was already standing next to his bed looking really pleased.

"Mister Potter, I've already been fearing that I would need to give the bed I always have in charge for you to someone else… you just showed up in time!" she explained happily.

Harry tried hard to ignore the comment because it made him want to faint again.

But before he could ban the thought from his mind Neville ran to him too and exclaimed: "I already feared that I would have to spend one day here alone this time!"

Harry raised one hand and said: "Thank you all for the welcome… and now good bye!" and fainted again. Just a second before he passed out at all he made a mental note to sleep for the rest of the year and ignore the fact that everyone around him had gone crazy.

Two hours later Harry woke up again. It might have been his feeling that there was something interesting and important for him to do, the thought of Ginny, Ron and Hermione, or simply the call of nature which made him open his eyes but in fact it didn't matter why he woke up the only important thing was that he did it.

Madame Pomfrey came near immediately: "Mister Potter, I am honoured to give the fainting medal in silver to you! If you faint a third time and wake up again before 24 hours have passed, you'll get the gold medal too!"

That moment Harry only thought that it wouldn't be too hard to pass out again.

Madame Pomfrey however went on: "And if you really hurry you might be able to break the record!"

Harry raised an eyebrow: "Which record?"

"Neville's… someone accidentally closed him into a classroom with Professor Snape for an entire afternoon… he fainted six times!" she explained finally.

That moment Harry realized that he had two options to make it to the end of the story. First he could go on fainting every half an hour and break Neville's record, or he could just block his brain from thinking and go on with the plot.

Harry knew that he had no real choice though because the oh so wonderful author of this story wouldn't leave him alone ever.

For a moment he couldn't help wondering if he was able to control his own future for real. In fact it seemed to him that someone he couldn't name was controlling all his actions but then again he was able to think about this, so he couldn't be fully controlled! Unless the person controlling him was clever enough to allow him thinking about this so he would think he was in fact free to choose.

He finally sighed and stood up again. The very moment he had decided to stop thinking everything seemed easier all of a sudden.

When he went straight into the door and banged his head he noticed that some thinking wouldn't harm him though.

It took him a while to figure out how much of his brain he could actually shut down without running against everything or forgetting his name within two seconds but finally he set his mind to 'low stress more success' mode and found the result really satisfying.

So he finally went down to the Great Hall to have dinner.

The first thing he noticed was that something strange was going on again.

Everyone was standing in front of the hall and no one entered.

One of the students who thought it was a good idea to spread some panic around suddenly jumped up and down screaming: "The invasion has started!"

Everyone looked at him bored until they were reminded by the big LED Display that it was 'time for uncontrolled angst and panic' then.

Harry finally managed to find Ron, Hermione and Ginny standing near to the door of the Great Hall.

"Now what's going on again?" he asked immediately.

"The invasion has started…" Ron said in a very bored sounding tone.

"Which invasion? Death Eaters?" Harry wanted to know.

Hermione rolled her eyes and opened the door a little bit: "Not at all!"

Harry looked inside and saw something he hadn't seen in his life. It probably was the most interesting sight he had ever had. Something he hadn't seen for some years now.

The whole Great Hall was filled with owls which were carrying their letters.

"Who is refusing to take his mail?" Harry asked eventually as if there was nothing special about an owl invasion although all the other students were running around in panic now.

"Harry, this is a lot more serious than you think!" Ginny stated with a petrified expression.

Hermione nodded: "It's all Spam!"

"Spam owls?" Harry wanted to know disbelieving.

Ron shrugged: "You know, the kind of owls where someone asks you to buy things you don't really need and which will probably break as soon as you hold them! Stranger things have happened already…"

"Who do you think is responsible for this?"

"Well, most of the owls were sent to Professor Riddle!" Hermione explained "But that doesn't prove anything!"

That moment headmistress McGonagall came into view: "Oh, nice to see you Harry! Listen, this has NOTHING to do with You-Know-Who and we don't expect you to find out about this AT ALL… only if you find the time to do it… oh, and while you are at it, could you also find out who hid all the dirty socks of the students in the room of requirement? And I repeat: IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PROFESSOR RIDDLE… although most of the owls were addressed to him and he was also marked as the sender…"

Minerva then turned around quickly and left again.

"Is this only me or are the adults getting lazier and lazier about solving their own problems?" Harry wondered while they left towards the Gryffindor common room and left the first years to care for the owls.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:**** (insert witty disclaimer here or read at former chapters) **

**chapter seven**

The next morning Harry had another DADA class.

He had to admit that it was easier to remember the schedule this year than it had ever before!

While he was still on his way to the DADA classroom he came across Sybil Trelawney.

"Morning Professor!" he greeted her cheerfully.

Sybil, who looked even more alike Snape than the last time Harry had seen her, turned around and looked at him with a very cold expression.

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" she hissed.

Harry frowned: "Oooookay… but why?"

Trelawney thought for a while and then smiled and spoke in her normal voice: "Isn't that what Professor Snape used to do always?"

Harry shrugged: "You mean running around where no one expected him to be and deducting house-points for no reason?"

Sybil nodded: "Or was there something else he did, also?"

"Not that I recall… although wasn't he some kind of teacher?" Harry replied really thinking hard.

"I am trying to fill the emptiness he has left as good as I can… but I can't seem to be dangerous enough… most pupils just laugh at me!" Sybil explained in a whining tone.

"Predict their death and then act like Snape… it would work with Neville!" Harry suggested.

Trelawney beamed with happiness. "Thank you Harry! That's a great idea!"

Then she went back to looking at him coldly and announced: "Mister Potter, I saw in my crystal ball that you'll be in Detention tonight! 8 p.m. Divination tower!"

Harry rolled his eyes and thought for a moment that he might have better kept his mouth shut this one time.

But he had to admit that she had done as he had suggested and she had done well, some kind of cold shiver ran down his spine.

Just a second later he continued his way to the DADA classroom however.

Professor Riddle was already waiting for him. Interestingly there were no other pupils around.

"Headmistress McGonagall thought it was a good idea to give you some private lessons too, Harry!" the Professor explained in a rather friendly tone which still sounded as if he was about killing Harry but still was friendlier than his usual tone.

Harry shrieked. McGonagall had already made clear that she thought he sucked at DADA but did she really have to make it this obvious? Or did she want him to take these lessons for another purpose?

"I've already wondered where you were, Harry, I thought something might have happened to you!" Professor Riddle went on a moment later.

"Professor Trelawney gave me detention for tonight…" Harry explained.

"Oh dear… too bad, should I talk to her?" Voldemort offered.

This was enough. Harry exploded, although there was no real reason to do it, but he told himself that this was another teenage-temper-tantrum… (aka. TTT, which is a lot more explosive than TNT!)

"You've done enough already!" Harry shouted.

Riddle seemed startled: "What did I do?"

"You killed my parents, are responsible for the death of Sirius, killed Cedric Diggory, made Snape kill Dumbledore, cut my hand, tried to kill me every damned year, left your diary around so it could try to kill my girlfriend…" Harry went on shouting.

"Harry, please lower your tone… it's bad for your voice to scream like this!" the Professor said worriedly and then added: "That's true, but what did I do recently?"

"Put a cruciatus at a student in the Great Hall!" Harry shot back.

"Uh… right… but what did I do… today?" Voldemort asked innocently.

"You sent me an owl saying 'Harry you'll be the next'!"

"Sorry, that should have been: Harry you'll be the next one to… uh…" he paused a while to think "the next one to get an 'O'!"

Potter frowned but he couldn't prove the opposite in this case but there had to be something Voldemort had done that day which wasn't ok.

"You didn't wash your hands when you walked out of the restroom though!" Harry shot with a satisfied expression.

Professor Riddle blushed and started crying: "I'm a monster! I'm such a monster! Please Harry, forgive me if you can!"

"Uh…" Harry was startled but then he thought that he couldn't just stop hating his arch enemy because the story would be pointless if he didn't try to vanquish him.

"I will never forgive you! NEVER!" he screamed and ran out of the room.

When he entered the Gryffindor common room the first thing he noticed was that there was a rather big crowd waiting for him.

One girl came towards him with something that looked like an Oscar in her hands.

"Harry Potter, as the head of the newly founded Hogwarts Drama Club it's my privilege to give this Oscar to you for the best impersonation of teenage rage!" the girl explained and handed Harry the Oscar.

He smiled and looked at the statuette: "Why does it say: Daniel Radcliffe though?"

The girl shrugged: "We don't have enough money to buy two of these and once the story is made a movie we'll pass this on to the actor!"

Harry shrugged, thanked everyone and added the Oscar to his collection of awards.

Only then it dawned at him that although he had walked out on Professor Voldemort he would have to go back for the next lesson, which should begin in 15 minutes, anyway.

Harry took his things and went back down to the DADA classroom and hoped that Professor Riddle had already forgotten what had happened.

And there was a realistic chance that he was lucky in this case as it seemed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: ****(sits by one of this lie detectors) Is your name JK? YES/piiiiiep/ Oops... maybe not...  
Do you own one of the original characters of this story? OF COURSE, ALL OF THEM! piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiep/ Ok... none..  
Do you make money with this story? Sure, so much I can retire/machine breaks/ So, did I pass?****  
**

**Author's note: ****I've got more reviews for this story now than for all my others together! WOW! Thanks to everyone!  
**

**Chapter eight**

Harry was just on his way to his Detention with Trelawney later that day when some strange bald guy ran down the stairs as if someone was after him every now. When the man, named Vin Diesel passed Harry by Harry shouted after him: "Two sets to the right, you're wrong here!"

Vin turned around at once and stared at the boy: "YOU say I am wrong here? Maybe you are wrong!"

Harry looked back stubbornly: "Are you playing in a wizard story or am I?"

Vin seemed to think about this for a long time: "I haven't read the storyboard… I don't have any text but just run around shooting bad guys and looking incredibly good!"

Harry mumbled under his breath: "At least you got the first one right…"

"Boy," Vin started highly annoyed: "You see that I am taller than you are!" He waited for Harry to nod: "And you see that I've got a gun!" He waited for another nod again and then finished: "So, who's right I or you?"

"Vin," Harry shot back, "You see that I am the wizard here… and you see that I've got the wand… and you should know that I know how to turn people into toads by now!"

Vin looked at the boy pondering for a while and then said: "I wouldn't look good as a toad!"

"You also don't look good now… if it was for me you'd play Voldemort in the movie!"

Vin ignored that comment, then looked at Harry's wand scared and ran off quickly.

If you never again see a movie with Vin Diesel, you know that Harry in fact decided to hex him!

Suddenly Harry heard someone clap behind him.

As he was in fact already very near to the Divination Tower he thought that it was Professor Trelawney. It shocked him the more to see Professor… well, ex-Professor Snape standing behind him.

Harry squealed, making him sound like Neville.

Snape gave him a sneer and raised an eyebrow.

Finally Harry found his voice again: "You're not here to kill Professor Trelawney by any chance? If so, could you do it before my detention? I'd have more time for Ginny, she feels neglected you see?"

Snape rolled his eyes: "Minerva told me to give Sybil a few lessons about how to be more… like me… she thought it was quite pathetic to watch how Sybil was trying to find out about this herself!"

Harry nodded a little unsure: "Uh… sure… Professor, if you don't mind the question…"

"I mind everything you say, Potter, but that might give me a reason to deduct house points for the sake of the good old times, so ask!" Snape shot back.

"Uh… right, so… since when are you explaining yourself to everyone who asks?" Harry asked who had noticed that it was rather unlike Professor Snape to give any answers to questions.

Snape sighed: "You see, ever since I started this at the beginning of Half Blood Prince I couldn't stop it again… Luckily there are no other people who think of asking me about my favourite TV-show every since Professor Dumbledore died!"

Harry grinned devilishly: "So, what's your favourite TV-show, Professor?"

Snape could have kicked himself for his stupidity. On second thought he remembered some of his yoga classes, he had had to do to be permitted back on the good side and so he actually managed to kick himself while murmuring: "The Teletubbies!"

Harry was quite impressed. He hadn't known there were actually people watching that show.

"Who's your favourite Teletubby then?" Harry kept asking.

Snape growled.

"Potter, get in!" shouted Professor Trelawney just in time to prevent him from hearing the answer.

Seconds later Sybil appeared in the doorway. Snape looked at her proudly: "That's my training, did you notice how good she is in imitating my tone now? Good girl!"

Then he patted her head a few times.

Harry cleared his throat: "Am I disturbing you or something?"

Both turned to look at him immediately and announced: "DETENTION POTTER!"

Harry grinned: "You look so cute together!"

"Detention…" Snape began.

"For every…" Trelawney went one.

"Evening this week!" Severus ended the sentence.

"A match made in heaven!" Harry said in a dreamy voice.

Before either of the teachers could say anything a black haired 14 years old Slytherin jumped out of the shadows accompanied by a 17 years old exchange student from Germany who beat Harry black and blue for saying this.

"At very few occasions I enjoy having fan girls!" Snape explained to Sybil and then he turned to the two other girls: "An autograph as always?"

The girls looked at one another and then the English one began to speak as they had planed this: "You see, Professor, it is already late and we should be in the common room…"

Then the German girl spoke: "An autograph and you'll walk us back to the common room!"

Snape sighed and tried the last thing he could think of: "Girls, I'm a searched criminal… I shouldn't walk around here like this!"

"But we know you're innocent!" both girls shot together.

"Only Voldemort doesn't know, obviously, otherwise you'd be dead by now… probably!" Harry said and earned a kick from the English fan girl for this.

"What did I do?" he complained.

"Don't know, I was bored!" was the only answer he got.

Snape smirked: "Okay, for this I'll really walk you back to the common room, let's go!"

Both girls jumped up and down for a while and then hurried off.

Harry finally managed to get back to his feet: "Professor, wasn't this enough of a punishment? Can I go back and cure my wounds?"

Trelawney pondered for a while and then said: "What would Professor Snape do?"

Harry grumbled and walked inside the classroom: "Great, now I don't even know whom to hate for this…"

Trelawney giggled in a really childish way for a moment and then went to get Harry his detention.

Finally she placed a crystal ball in front of Harry and announced: "You'll look into this ball until you see the Grim!"

"Oh, that won't take too long then…" Harry said.

Only twenty seconds later, it had taken 18 seconds to gather his things again, he went out of the room again.

**So some answers to your reviews (I can't answer them all, but I thank everyone who left one anyway!)  
** Juan, Emma/Hermione#1fan, Dark Vampiresss, Colin, Winona Corinne, Dave the L's gal, Belga, misshilton5678, Gryffindor777, Padfoot Reincarnated and Dracos-naughty-lil-girl: Thanks, I love to write this story... and I'll keep it up:-D

Emmasnape99: There you go, Sev again! ;-) There's no chance I thought of you with the fangirl stuff! ;-)

grafiti rtk: I am a Harry Potter freak for sure and Sev is not evil:-P

miz-attidude: I surely hope so... I love Snape... he's innocent:lol: Let me dream on please:-D

where-my-heart-resides: I really love the original books too, but HBP turned my world upside down so I needed to change some things the way I wanted them to go! Besides, I have a crazy mind, just in case you haven't noticed!

Winona Corinne: Ha, Snape is innocent.. I am not the only one who thinks so:lol: I can't say that often enough!

vasj95 : Would you please say sorry to the child for me? (I love children) Sorry, I made your mummy laugh so much, but you see, sometimes everyone needs a good laugh! I was very pleased to read your review! Thanks!

Carnivalgirl: Lupin/Tonks? Let me pretend that never happened:lol: No, really, they are cute together and Remus deserves to be loved, but JK shattered some dreams of my sleepless nights there!

I love you all for the great reviews:-D And I promise to answer them more often in the future... only I never dreamt of getting so many/beams/


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer/tries to think of something a little funny at least/  
****/doesn't succeed/ Well, read at former chapters please!****  
**

**Author's note: ****Ha, new reviews! I love you all! Er... I don't think Snape and Trelawney (shudders with the thought) but this story is written from Harry's PoV and he thought it was cute... I as an author sent the fangirls to beat that idea out of his head! ;-) Of course Snape only belongs to (insert your own name here if you are an obsessed Snape fan-girl)... **

**Chapter nine**

The next morning Harry woke up and thought that it was about time to do something which was actually relevant for the plot of the story again.

The only problem was that he had no real idea what the plot was because the author hadn't made that clear enough from his point of view.

That moment Ron started talking in his sleep: "The author is wonderful, the author always knows what should happen, do not doubt about her competence for the sake of your own head!"

Harry frowned but thought that this could have been a subtle hint from the writer of this story telling him stop wondering and rather do something.

He quickly went downstairs where Ginny was already waiting for him.

Ginny however nearly laughed her head off when she saw him.

Hermione, standing next to Ginny blushed: "Harry, get decent, please!"

Only then Harry noticed that he had forgotten to get dressed, which was really astonishing because usually it was never mentioned in a story how he got dressed but he just was.

He hurried back to the boys dormitory however and got dressed with the usual student uniform and of course his underwear. He was suspicious about what the author might think of if he didn't mention that too.

Little later they were done with the breakfast and Harry went to yet another

DADA lesson, which was getting boring already but at least he didn't need many different books and he also didn't need to make an effort out of remembering his schedule.

After the lesson, however, he went to Professor Riddle. Perhaps he would be able to get some information about the remaining Horcruxes when talking to the one who hid them.

It was an astonishing logical idea thinking that Harry had thought of it.

"Oh Harry, nice to see you!" Voldemort exclaimed "What can I do for you? Fancy some tea? I've got a really nice tea cup! It belonged to Helga Hufflepuff at one point!"

Harry nodded absentminded. How should he ever be able to get another Horcrux into his hands?

Only a second later Professor Riddle put Helga's cup into Harry's hands.

"So, Professor, any secrets you want to talk about?" he asked innocently.

"What do you mean, Harry? There are many secrets... like my secret fear of fish and chips!" Voldemort explained.

Harry sighed; this was harder than he had thought. He scratched the back of his head with the free hand.

"Well, let's say I made something really secret... and I wanted to keep it secret because it was essential for me surviving... where would I hide it?"

Harry asked finally.

You-Know-Who (you really should know who) frowned. "Right over my head, Harry, I didn't get a word!"

Harry sighed: "Okay, let's make it easier... let's say that this tea cup is a part of your soul, where would you have hidden it so I couldn't have done this?" he asked and dropped the tea cup and it broke into a thousand pieces.

Black smoke emerged from it and there was some thunder to be heard, besides there was really dramatic music playing in the background.

"Oops, I hope this wasn't one piece of your family heritage... sorry Professor!" Harry exclaimed when he noticed what he had done.

Riddle shrugged: "Never mind, it wasn't my family heritage... it belonged to

Helga Hufflepuff's family, I stole it from a really old lady... although I think

I remember that there was something special about it, but I can't recall that right now...!"

Harry shrugged. "Sorry anyway, I'll get you a new one... maybe something saying:

Best Dark Lord ever?"

Professor Riddle felt really touched by this.

"That's a wonderful idea, Mister Potter… there are so many Dark Lords out there, I would really appreciate being the best!"

Harry nodded: "You really are! Oh, to come back to my question: If you had to hide something really essential, where would you hide it?"

Voldemort shrugged: "I would hide it under my pillow, but most writers would think that this is too obvious so they wouldn't write this, so I guess there is nothing under my pillow! Do you want to look?"

Harry nodded frantically and followed Voldemort to check if there was something under his pillow.

As soon as You-know-who lifted the pillow Harry stepped back in terror.

"What's that?" he asked with a shaking voice.

"Well, nothing special… today's Daily Prophet, some duct tape, a family portrait of some family I don't know, a million galleons, some old socks, the Mona Lisa, oh and… what's that?" Voldemort exclaimed.

With a rather loud crack Wormtail appeared on the bed: "Look, I've mentioned to change my animagus form!"

Harry frowned: "So this didn't only look like a cockroach… it was one!"

Voldemort nodded: "I shouldn't have taken the insect-traps away!"

"But my Lord!" Peter Pettigrew whimpered.

"No, no, no, Wormtail, I won't play with you again, you're a really bad influence!" Professor Riddle explained, "My mummy doesn't like seeing me with you!"

Harry spared his comment on this and tried to get out of the room unseen, which didn't work out.

"Harry, do you think Ron still wants a pet rat?" Peter asked all of a sudden.

"Unless Pig turns out to be really Professor Flitwick… I don't think you've got a chance, sorry, but you can apply for the job of the Malfoy's new house elf… I think they're still searching for one!" Harry replied and walked off without turning back again.

He was frustrated. He had hoped to bring this to an end that day but oh no, he hadn't even found out about anything!

On second thought, he had only wasted his time drinking tea!

When he entered the Gryffindor common room Ginny was already waiting for him.

"Hey, Harry, what did you do all day?" she asked and kissed his cheek.

"Oh, I went to find some more Horcruxes, but then I ended drinking tea out of a cup which once belonged to Helga Hufflepuff… and I broke it!" Harry answered.

Ginny rolled her eyes: "Uh, Harry…"

"I know… I know… I'm a shame! I should have done something useful!" Harry whined and ran up the stairs to cry into his pillow. Before he did so he checked if Wormtail wasn't hiding under it anyway.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: ****Do you really think that JK would write a fanfic saying what will not happen in book 7 instead of writing book seven and make money with it? Anyway, I am not her (just to mention it) and I don't own anything any other person has a copyright for!  
**

**Author's note:**** Thank you all for the lovely reviews as always:D Well, I thought it was funnier in the beginning too, but it's hard to keep it at that level as I have to admit... still amusing thought, so I'll be satisfied with that!**

**Chapter ten**

The next morning Harry got up very early, sneaked out of the common room and went to the DADA classroom.

Because it was very early, and because he hadn't slept well he forgot what he had wanted to do before he got there anyway.

So Harry had to go back to the common room and check his diary to see if he had written his absolutely secret plan into it.

Minutes later he went back towards the classroom.

In order to get there he had to pass the Great Hall by however.

First he didn't notice that there was someone in there but as the author wants to write about this, he noticed and was interested enough to forget his plan for a moment and went to look.

The two fan-girls who had beaten him up two days ago where standing about ten steps away from each other pointing their wands at one another.

That moment Harry felt vaguely interested in why they were fighting and went to ask ex-Professor…

"That's still Professor Snape to you, I didn't study for nothing!" Snape barked at the author immediately.

That moment something fell from the ceiling but stopped a few inches above his head because the author herself had to admit that she just couldn't hurt him, even though he had questioned her knowledge of everything.

Anyway, Harry went to ask Professor Snape why the two Slytherins were fighting.

Snape merely shrugged: "That happens most of the time when two of my fans meet! I think it is one of the amusing sides of having overly obsessed fan-girls!"

Harry nodded absent minded. He had forgotten what he had wanted to do again.

The two girls were about hexing each other into oblivion that moment.

Harry stepped in the middle of the hall, because he thought that it was his duty and privilege as the hero of the story to do something about this.

"Girls, girls, stop it! There's enough Snape for both of you!"

Snape gave him a look which could have killed if the author had decided that it could kill.

"I mean, he's dripping with grease, there really is enough for both of you!" Harry added without noticing that he was making a bad mistake with this.

Even before Snape could have done anything to hex this idea out of his head, Harry found himself hit by a curse of each of the two girls.

That moment the two finally noticed that there was no point in fighting one another but that they should rather fight everyone who was against their Severus!

Snape rolled his eyes at this but at the same time found it very touching that they felt about him like this.

"Girls," he started, "I feel… annoyed by the fact that you're following me around, but as long as you keep doing things like that to Mister Potter, you may continue hanging around me!"

Both jumped up and down like crazy and decided to do as he said when he left the Great Hall.

Harry obviously had heard all of this (the story is from his PoV after all) but was still curled to a ball at the floor and had decided to act as if he was dead until they had left.

He winced when he heard steps coming closer again but then someone pulled him to his feet and shoved some chocolate into his mouth.

Without opening his eyes Harry knew that Remus Lupin had come to the rescue.

Actually he had come too late for the rescue, but that didn't matter at all.

"Hello Harry!" Lupin said in his usual calm tone "What has happened to you?"

Harry sighed: "I was mean to Snape while his fan-girls were around!"

Remus winced with the thought: "Ouch, I did that once… the scars never heal!"

"Poooooooooooooor Professor Lupin!" two girls exclaimed at once and shoved a piece of chocolate into his mouth.

The girl to his right was already known to those who can still remember what happened at the last order meeting. As a reminder: Approximately 20 years old, Australian, light brown hair.

The girl to his left however was new as a character in this story, although she looked suspiciously like the author of this; approximately 19 years old, Austrian, dark blond hair just over the shoulder.

Harry screamed: "You've got some of those too?"

Lupin shrugged: "You see, as the poor neglected character who is sensitive, intelligent and well, rather cute this wasn't too unexpected, was it? Besides, the werewolf thing doesn't help getting accepted in the magical world, but it helps with the fan-girls!"

Both girls nodded frantically handing him more chocolate.

"Sometimes they are pretty handy… I never run out of chocolate anymore!" Lupin explained.

"AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO DOESN'T HAVE FANGIRLS?" Harry whined.

He turned around as someone touched his shoulder.

"Now that you are asking…" an approximately 20 years old English girl with Indian heritage said winking at him.

Harry wasn't sure how to react. On the one hand he was relieved to see that he actually had fan-girls, but on the other hand he had a girlfriend.

"Uh… I've got a girlfriend…" Harry stated.

"So did I; before the start of this fun-fiction!" Remus said and got more chocolate from his two fans for this.

Only seconds later Ginny arrived in the Great Hall and shouted: "But I'll stay his girlfriend!"

Harry's fan shrugged: "Of course you will! I just wanted to enter this story too at one point! And there was a great lack of Harry fan-girls, you see, it can't be he has none!"

Ginny pouted but nodded. She seemed to have understood what no one else could understand.

Finally Harry looked around confused for a moment and then asked: "What did I want to do this morning anyway? I thought there was something…"

"Probably you wanted to do something about Professor Riddle!" everyone suggested at the same time. To them it was obvious what Harry should be doing in this story.

"Oh right!" Harry exclaimed happily and ran off just to return a second later.

"Voldemort doesn't have fan-girls, does he?" he sounded a little scared asking this.

Every one shrugged: "Nothing is impossible, Harry!"

Finally Harry decided that this wasn't important anyway and so he ran off again to find Professor Riddle and find out about some more Horcruxes.

If he hadn't missed any or counted wrongly there should be two more left and he wanted to find them.

And then he would be able to vanquish the Dark Lord finally, if only because he was the most boring DADA teacher he had ever had to suffer.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: ****The crazy parts of this story belong to me, so do my reviews:lol: All mine! Mine! MINE!  
So nice to say what's mine instead of what isn't... anyway this is called a disclaimer so I have the chance to say:  
But everything else isn't... please don't sue me, I am not rich, you wouldn't get anything anyway...  
**

**Author's note: ****Thanks to all my reviewers again... I hope to write more soon... well, I'll see how well my writers block feels with me this time... I hope it feels really bad and leaves me again! ;-)  
Always nice to meet fan-girls with suggestions! ;-) I will consider that the next time Ron or his brothers show up:-P****  
**

**Chapter eleven**

Harry reached the DADA classroom not much later.

It seemed that Professor Riddle had decided to skip the breakfast too, which could only be a very lucky coincidence.

"Good morning, Harry!" he greeted him: "What can I do for you?"

Harry was a little out of breath because he had hurried so much to come here but when he finally was able to talk again he asked: "Where are your last two Horcruxes?"

For a second he had really thought that it was a good idea to ask this straight away.

Voldemort looked astonished: "What's a Horcrux?"

Harry sighed: "Uh, I'm not so sure, but they should be things holding parts of your soul and well, you cannot die as long as there are any left!"

You-know-who looked as if something had dawned on him finally: "Oh, you mean the things I made to make the plot thicken and give you something to do before the final battle?"

Harry nodded: "Yes, these things… so where are they?"

Professor Riddle whistled silently before saying: "I forgot… I got bored playing with them and forgot where I put them!"

Harry sighed loudly: "Listen, I know that one of them is your snake… and one should be something from Rowena Ravenclaw or Godric Gryffindor…"

"Oh, Nagini… well, she's sleeping in the other room, but she's cranky when you wake her up too early, so I wouldn't enter there!" Voldemort explained in a calm tone: "You see, I actually dislike snakes, but it's fun to have Wormtail transfigure into a rat and give Nagini some exercise!"

Harry frowned: "It might be scary, but I think that's funny too!"

"We have so much in common, Harry!" Voldemort exclaimed happily.

"Uh, yeah, sure… anyway, so what do you own which belonged to Rowena Ravenclaw?" the boy asked finally.

Voldemort thought about this for a long time: "I fear I'll have to say nothing… interestingly enough she left everything she ever owned to the church of England and as they found out she had been a witch they burnt everything, you see? Well, this happened centuries before I've been born, so I cannot have anything of her belongings! Unless I owned a timeturner and had turned it for about a million times or more often, but then I wouldn't have known how to come back to the present and the whole time turning thing is just too confusing to use it!"

Harry frowned yet again, which would surely cause him to have rather bad folds at an early age: "But the only thing which belonged to Godric Gryffindor is that sword, and Dumbledore had an eye on that, so it's impossible you got that one as a Horcrux!"

Only after a few moments it dawned on him: "Oh wait, those boxer shorts I got from Dumbledore… they said Godrc Gryffindor too! Only you wrote a message on them saying they were not a Horcrux!"

Lord Voldemort sighed yet again. "Harry, listen, you are the hero of this story, you are supposed to be able and think a little at least!"

Harry thought a little at least but didn't get what he had been talking about.

"I still don't know what you meant!"

"Uh… you, good guy… good guy, doesn't lie much… me, bad guy… bad guy, lies all the time! Count two and two together!" Voldemort gave him a hint.

Harry thought for a long while again and then exclaimed happily: "FOUR!"

"Pardon?"

"You said: Count two and two together!" Harry explained, "Besides, I knew from the beginning that you were actually using the boxers as a Horcrux and I am already about destroying them!"

Professor Riddle nodded satisfied: "And how do you want to do this?"

"I'll wear them until they get all old and disgusting and then I'll throw them away!" Harry explained his genial plan.

"Why don't you just destroy them to get it over with?" the Professor asked after a little while.

"We are not at the end of the year yet. I cannot kill the DADA teacher before the final exams… not again!" Harry stated.

Then there was silence between them for a moment before Harry spoke again: "Why don't you try to kill me though?"

"Harry, Harry, Harry…" Voldemort said in a doubting tone "I cannot try to kill you before the end of the year either, where's the fun in teaching you when I cannot let you fail your exams?"

"One more thing, is that snake really your last Horcrux then?"

"I already told you I didn't remember…" Voldemort answered, "But it would fit my character, wouldn't it?"

Harry nodded. After all that was why Dumbledore had thought that Nagini was the Horcrux at all. And Dumbledore had never been wrong, had he? Well, he had believed in Snape, which wasn't wrong from all he had learnt that year. So it seemed Dumbledore might have been right about Severus unless JK thought otherwise.

But he had never found out about the evilness of the DADA teachers until they had tried to kill Harry, which was one thing Harry took rather personal.

He pushed those thoughts away however and went on believing that Dumbledore was just right about everything.

Harry took a look at his watch and then asked: "Hey, can I stand here now, classes should start soon anyway… third year, isn't it?"

Voldemort nodded: "Yes, third year is pretty cool, you see, and it has been the only year I haven't tried to kill you!"

Harry agreed.

"Our lesson will be on Werewolves!"

"We've had that one with Snape back then!" Harry explained.

Voldemort laughed: "The old bat talking about werewolves… he should have taken Vampires!"

Harry nodded again and then he asked: "Is this a hidden message saying that Professor Snape is in fact a Vampire?"

Professor Riddle laughed again: "Of course not! He just really is an old bat… it should have been a joke… as if I would tell you that I call him Batman for a nickname!"

Harry laughed: "Yes, a good one… really good one!"

Voldemort looked around nervously for a moment and then said: "But don't repeat this around his fan-girls… I did once… the scars will never fade!"

Harry nodded understanding and then they stood around waiting for the end of the scene because there was nothing more to say right then.

And finally the end of the scene came!


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:**** The day that I am JKR, own all of this characters and the Harry Potter universe will be the day that hell freezes, unfortunately for me! **

**Author's note: ****I love writing this and I will keep writing this although I am not much on my computer lately, but I am trying not to let you wait too long! ;-) So, Lora, there you are! Ron has a fangirl! And thanks for the encouraging comments everyone! **

**Chapter twelve**

That evening Harry came back to the Gryffindor common room and noticed that there were many more people around than he would have thought.

In the distance he could see his fan-girl waving at him. He just wanted to wave back when he noticed Ginny was looking at him suspiciously.

Harry whistled innocently and put his arm back down.

Ginny looked a little annoyed but didn't lose another word about it.

He shrugged and went to talk to Ron because his friend hadn't appeared in the story for too long already.

For a moment he wanted to talk to Hermione too, but she was sitting in a corner doing her prefect duties, homework for herbology, potions, DADA and transfiguration at the same time while writing a letter to her parents telling them that she was still alive.

In fact Hermione was the only one who had had homework in transfiguration because the subject had been taken out of their schedules right from the start, she however didn't seem to care and still did her homework, which McGonagall had given to her after Hermione had been begging her for three days in a row.

Harry sat next to Ron and looked around for a moment and then sighed relieved: "Hey Ron, I'm happy to see that there are no fan-girls around you at least!"

Ron scowled.

"Uh, no, that's not what I meant… I mean, they surely wouldn't fit into the common room… just too many of them… yes, that's it!" Harry explained quickly.

Ron nodded: "Exactly…!"

"Where are they then?" asked Harry.

Ron sighed and there was a kind of awkward silence for a moment until a girl ran to them and stopped totally out of breath.

"Sorry, Ron, I had to stalk your brothers Fred and George too! It was easier while they were at school!" she exclaimed and then added: "So anyway I am a 13-year-old girl with blue eyes and brown hair and I am medium height. And my name is Lora. And I am Ron's fan-girl for this story!"

Harry nodded a few times: "Okay, okay… would you please go to the other fan-girls and leave us to some plotting so the plot can go on?"

Lora nodded too and went away to sit with all the other Gryffindor fan-girls who sat in a corner staring at the men of their desires and looking dreamily.

"Ron, since when are they here?" Harry wanted to know finally.

His friend thought for a little while and then said: "You know, we're at war, so most families didn't want their children to return to Hogwarts, so Headmistress McGonagall decided to permit fan-girls… just to fill them empty space!"

"Isn't that dangerous for them too?" Harry asked and looked towards the giggling girls.

Ron shrugged: "You know that Dumbledore was the only one You-Know-Who ever feared…"

Harry nodded: "But now that he is dead we're screwed!"

"No… well, it was a mistake… Voldemort feared Dumbledore… but he also fears fan-girls… they are a power he cannot control… and he can't bring all of them on his side… even though he tried last year by having his back-story in the book, and a really sentimental one if you allow me the comment!"

"Oh, then everything is ok and long as we're the hotter men around here?" Harry wanted to know and sighed relieved.

"Interestingly it isn't all about being hot… you know, the fact that Snape's on our side helped a lot!" Ron explained.

Harry looked around nervously: "Don't talk about Snape in a bad way… they have their ears everywhere!"

Ron nodded and then fled towards the boys dormitories just a second before one well known English (totally crazily obsessed) Snape fan-girl could throw very heavy things at him.

Harry remained at the common room for a few more minutes thinking about all the things he still had to do.

He could easily destroy the one Horcrux he knew of but he had to do it in a funny way… or at least a heroic way.

And he still had to do his homework.

Harry sighed and went to the dormitory to get his books and do some of the things Professor Riddle had told them to do.

Most of it was very boring. Write about werewolves and how to kill them, Harry wished he had kept his notes from third year at that point.

It seemed Professor Riddle had also set an extra task for Harry.

He thought for a long time but didn't know how to fulfil that task and so he went over to Hermione to ask her for help.

"Hermione, where do I get some poison?" he asked.

She looked at him and frowned: "Why do you want poison? Do you want to poison Voldemort now?"

Harry shook his head: "Of course not! It'sfor homework… my extra task says: Take a poison of your choice and see how long it takes you to be dead!"

Hermione frowned even more: "Harry, please, think a little… again!"

It took him a while to get what she was talking about but then she shrieked: "He wanted to kill me? Wow, that's mean… I'll knock on his door and run away as a revenge!"

Hermione wanted to say something first but then she decided to keep her mouth shut. It seemed to be the best she could do in that situation.

A little later Harry's fan-girl walked over to them and announced: "Harry, I'm sorry, fascinating as it might be to watch you, but I'm switching sides… Professor Riddle seems a little… well, a lot more interesting right now!"

Then she walked off.

Harry jumped to his feet and screamed: "HE STOLE MY FAN-GIRL! THAT MEANS WAR!"

Only a little too late he noticed that Ginny wasn't very pleased with this and waited for him not too far away to kick his butt for being so stupid.

Then she stared at him and swallowed: "Harry, is there smoke coming out of your trousers?"

Harry sighed: "Ginny, I can explain!"

Ginny scowled: "I already know… you're annoyed because Voldemort stole your fan-girl… although you should be completely happy with me as your girlfriend!"

"True, but I can also explain why there is smoke coming out of my trousers!" Harry said triumphantly.

Ginny rolled her eyes but waited for the explanation.

"You accidentally but successfully destroyed another horcrux which was my boxer shorts…" Harry exclaimed and kissed Ginny who was too baffled to do anything about anything.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: ****All mine all mine all mine! And the sky is red while water is green and sheep are blue! **

**Author's note: ****Draco... well, probably... probably in this chapter:lol: STill, I love you all my oh so lovely reviewers:-D **

**Chapter thirteen**

Harry was quite pleased with himself because at this point of the story, all the horcruxes he could access easily were destroyed.

Now there was just Nagini left… well, and the one soul part Voldemort had kept.

Harry however thought that he had already suffered enough that day and so he went up to the dormitory to get some sleep.

At least he intended doing this.

A figure dressed all in black to be unseen entered the common room before he could set a foot at the staircase.

The person seemed to be really good in disguising because it was really nearly impossible to see him or her.

The only failure in the person's plan was that there was a fan-girl right behind him.

Even Harry had noticed at that time that the person was very likely to be male.

"Hey, who are you?" asked Harry to the person who stood like petrified immediately.

"Hi! I am known as Rayvn-Amre!" stated the girl "I love this story and I wanted to be Draco's fan-girl!" (Author's note: I hope you do love this story, otherwise let's call the comment a bad guess… :lol:)

Just a moment later Draco pulled his hood off and cursed silently, getting ever louder.

"I was trying to enter unnoticed, but oh no, fan-girls!" he complained.

His fan looked at him and said in a soft tone: "You look good tonight!"

"Sometimes they come pretty handy!" Draco stated in a friendly tone right afterwards and gave his fan a smile before turning back to Harry.

"Malfoy, what are you doing here?" asked the Gryffindor just because he thought he had to say something before kicking the Slytherin out of the common room again.

"Ok… so, let me explain… when I was a little boy…" Malfoy started what seemed to be a really long story.

Harry rolled his eyes. Maybe the other wanted him to fall asleep and then… well, his imagination left him at that point, but he was sure that Draco was not up to anything good.

Draco had just reached his second birthday in his story. His father had given him a pony although he had wished for a dragon, he was nearly crying at that point.

Seconds later however Snape appeared next to Draco and hit him on the back of his head which caused Draco's fan-girl to kick Snape, which caused Snape's fans to get mad at the girl, which caused Harry to intervene, which caused everyone to hit Harry because he had no fan-girl left to seek revenge for him.

After this rather complicated part was done however, Harry rubbed his hurting head and asked: "So, why are you here now, Sir?"

Snape sighed and started: "Well, when I was a little boy…" Everyone looked at him as if he was crazy so he hurried to say: "Well, never mind, it's nothing to do with the events of today. So, as Draco was told to tell you, which he didn't up to now, you have to go and fight the Dark Lord tonight!"

Harry sighed: "When tonight?"

Draco looked at his watch and said: "Ten minutes ago!"

Harry frowned: "We'll need a time turner?"

Snape hit him over the head because it seemed to be safe: "No, dunderhead, you'll just come too late!"

Harry nodded frantically and grabbed his wand: "Hey, wait, is there enough time to have a really cheesy goodbye scene with Ginny? Oh please!"

Draco rolled his eyes but didn't say a thing. The fan-girls kept silent too because they didn't really care.

So it was left to Snape to talk again and he said: "Okay, boy, but hurry… fast, run up to say good bye!" and pointed towards the staircase leading to the Girl's dormitories.

Harry jumped happily and ran up the stairs and forgot that they were charmed so that he rolled down again seconds later.

All the other people around looked at him for a moment and then started laughing loudly.

Harry felt ready to cry when Ginny pulled him back to his feet.

"Ginny!" he exclaimed happily. That moment the lights around went low enough to make it seem that the two of them were the only people present.

"Ginny, my love, I am going to fulfil my destiny tonight… I might not come back, but I'll always be with you with all my heart and soul and love!" Harry said in a really cheesy way.

Ginny looked into his eyes and said: "I know; you didn't have to wake me up because of that!"

Harry was startled: "You knew that? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS KNOW EVERYTHING?"

Ginny chuckled and explained: "My parents wanted to call me Mary-Sue from the beginning but that would have been too obvious!"

Harry rolled his eyes and kissed her quickly before turning around and walking out of the common room in a very heroic looking way.

When enough seconds had passed to make everyone wonder if Ginny would come after him or not the common room door was being opened again.

"Harry, wait!" Ginny exclaimed running after him which was quite ridiculous because he was just three steps away from her "You know that I can't let you go like this, don't you?"

Harry thought for a moment: "But it seemed like the perfect good bye between lovers to me!"

Ginny nodded: "Yes, it was, but you forgot to take your wand along! And besides… if you go now…"

"Oh, Ginny, I have to go… well, I should have gone like 30 minutes ago already!"

"Well, however, if you go now, then I'll have to wait for like a few hours until everything seems hopeless and then come after you to rescue you… so will Hermione and Ron… well, if they wake up in time!"

Harry felt touched: "You're all great friends! But how will you know when you have to show up so it won't be too late?"

Ginny blushed: "Uh… female instincts… and if they fail… er… we'll revenge your death then!"

Harry wasn't too sure if this should calm him or rather upset him; he chose the latter however.

So he just said: "Good bye, Ginny, my love!" and went away.

In the distance there was a silent but rather curious noise to be heard.

It sounded like many people sighing relieved to see that this overly cheesy scene was over finally.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: ****This would belong to me if I had had the idea about 7 years ago or earlier! But because I was writing on another book back then I don't own anything of this... and as JK Rowling had a lot of work with it I would never dear and say otherwise! **

**Author's note: ****So, I nearly forgot about Neville, thanks for reminding me! Juan, always a pleasure to read your reviews! Well, basically always a pleasure to read all your reviews, because they are just so lovely! I've got a clear idea of how I want all of this to end, but I might change my opinion as I write it! lol More Malfoy? Well, I'm not done with him yet! ;-)  
but as I said before I'm not sure what will happen before it ends myself yet, thanks for all the good vibrations to everyone though... and I hope you enjoy this chapter:-D **

**chapter fourteen**

Seconds later, Harry already thought that he would finally be able to fulfil his destiny in peace, steps were to be heard.

Neville came running after him panting heavily, followed closely by two girls, who seemed to be his fans, which didn't astonish Harry the least.

"Neville, my friend!" he exclaimed happily "You're here to help me, right? My new surprise-sidekick who will come along to vanquish Voldemort and protect me?"

Neville did his best to look innocent: "Uh… sorry Harry, but no… You see, there are already so many people in this story… it's getting too complicated, I just get paid for this one appearance!"

Harry sighed sadly but nodded before something dawned on him: "You get paid for this?"

"This will only be funny once they make a movie out of this and I'm played by some actor!" the other explained in a way that it seemed completely logical.

"Why are you here then, though?" Harry asked finally.

Neville seemed slightly embarrassed but finally said: "I lent you some money, remember? When you had forgotten your wallet… and do you think you could give it back to me BEFORE you go to Voldemort?"

Harry rolled his eyes and got his wallet out handing a few galleons to Neville.

Neville nodded thankfully and turned around to walk away, but seconds later he came back to Harry again and whispered: "Don't worry, Harry, in the end, when everything seems lost, I'll be there to help you!"

The other boy frowned: "Why will everyone be there when everything seems lost? Wouldn't be it better and easier and SAFER for me if you were there from the start?"

Neville thought for a while and then stated: "Well, if you look at it the logical way… but you have to think in a novel kind of way… If we were doing things the easy way here, then you'd be dead for some time already, many of the bad guys had a lot of possibilities but let them pass!"

Finally Harry got what this was all about, or at least he thought he had understood and so he continued his way while Neville stood behind.

The DADA classroom wasn't far away anymore when suddenly a dark figure stepped into Harry's way.

Harry shrieked and prepared to be really scared when the figure took off his or her hood.

"Hey Wormtail, what's up old rat?"

Peter seemed not pleased with the way Harry was greeting him but he didn't lose a word about it and pointed his wand at Harry.

The boy however was perfectly calm and said in a normal tone: "Peter, you know that I'm the hero of this story, right?"

The man nodded.

"And you also know that it is my TRUE destiny to fight Voldemort and not you, right?"

Wormtail nodded again.

"And as it is against novel logic, that in a fight between you and me you would win, you surely know that too!" Harry went on talking; he had truly understood a part of what all of this was about.

Wormtail thought for a little while and then looked at the boy again: "So, you mean that I've got no chance in a fight against you?"

"Wormy, Wormy, Wormy, you have no chance in a fight against anyone! Everyone hates you! Everyone wants to see you dead! And you have no fan-girls who would protect you against any author!" Harry stated really convinced of what he was talking about.

Peter looked really panicky then and so he simply dropped his wand and ran off.

Harry thought that it was his duty to run after Wormtail for a while. After all he had given his parents away to Voldemort and he had brought Sirius into Azkaban prison.

And so he chased the other man just far away from him to see everything that was going on.

Wormtail was running for his life when suddenly he was stopped by someone he knew.

"Hey, Peter, there's something I wanted to do for a long long long time now!" Remus Lupin said in his usual calm tone.

His fans stood right behind him, blocking the rest of the hallway so Wormtail couldn't get away, giggling like little children, enjoying the moment.

"I… you… don't… can't… uh… damn it!" Wormtail exclaimed and jumped out of the window to his right, which hadn't been there ever before but was now because it was needed badly for this part of the story.

Lupin went to the window and looked out for a moment until Harry had reached the spot too.

"What did you do?" the boy exclaimed.

Lupin shrugged: "Well, I told him that I wanted to return the fifty Galleons he lent me 18 years ago but it seems he didn't want them!"

The fan-girls laughed at that comment until Lupin turned to face them: "Didn't I tell you you have to keep quiet if you want to come along?"

Both girls nodded and shut up immediately.

"Good girls, now go to the DADA classroom and search for a few free seats, I guess the rest of the audience is already there!" Remus went on talking right before the girls went off.

Harry however was still looking out of the window.

"Do you think he survived this?" he asked.

Remus thought for a while: "I'm not sure… but as far as I know rats cannot fly… unless they are flying rats or bats…"

"I'm the only registered bat around here, remember that, Lupin!" Severus grumbled while passing them by and walking to the DADA classroom closely followed by his own fans.

Harry sighed, he had already given up trying to understand anything that was going on again, and asked: "Why are all of them going to the DADA classroom?"

Lupin eyed his watch for a moment and exclaimed: "Oh dear, Harry, you're late already! Let's talk as we walk there ourselves!"

So they started walking towards the DADA classroom too.

"Well, you will have noticed, that there are many fans around here too nowadays, and to spare them and us the trouble to sneak around to find out when the final battle will take place we just set up a lot of seats in the DADA classroom so they can watch without disturbing anything!"

Harry nodded: "Oh, of course, that makes sense… well, as much as the rest of this story…"

Unexpectedly a brick broke out of the ceiling and missed Harry by centimetres only.

"Harry, you will never learn it, don't upset the author!" Lupin explained as they stopped in front of the classroom door.

"So, I'll go in now and you will follow in a few seconds… you know, your entrance will look more heroic if you enter all alone… and if you can, maybe a little slow motion could look good!"

Harry nodded and waited a few seconds before entering…


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: ****"So, Sandra "Voldemort said pointing his wand at me "You are responsible for this story?"  
"No, no" I squealed "Everything such as original characters or settings belong to JK Rowling, not to me!"****  
**

**Author's note: ****Another update...****Hope you like it:-D Oh, and I love ALL my reviewers and readers!  
**

**Chapter fifteen**

Harry kept standing in front of the door for a few more seconds and then kicked the door open and entered heroically, just to notice that Voldemort was not there.

He looked around for a few seconds to make sure that the villain wasn't hiding behind the door; a trick he had already fallen for too often.

The entire audience had to try very hard not to laugh too much, because after all they had had to sign a contract about being silent and not disturbing.

Seconds later Professor Riddle went out of the bathroom. He looked at Harry and said: "Hello, Harry, nice to see you! What do you want?"

"Revenge!" Harry answered, because he thought it was a really cool answer.

Voldemort thought for a while and then sighed: "What for? Your parents, your godfather, Dumbledore, the whole magical world, or something else? Harry, I am the Super-Villain of this story, you have to be more specific!"

Harry put his wand back into his pocket and scratched his head: "True… well, let's say revenge for everything evil you did at any point of your life!"

"Oh dear, that may take a while!" Professor Riddle exclaimed "Luckily I set the Death Eater meeting to tomorrow evening instead of today's!"

Harry nodded and took his wand back into his hand and pointed it at Voldemort.

"So, what are you going to do now Harry?" Voldemort asked him taking his wand out himself.

Harry scratched his head with his wand thinking over this so hard that he didn't notice how his head turned into a pineapple then a watermelon and an apple before going back to normal.

Then before he could react Voldemort had disarmed him.

"Oops… happens every time!" was all that Harry could say to this.

The audience gasped! Everyone sat like petrified watching what was going to happen next.

Harry swallowed: "Does that mean you really want to kill me? Hey, remember, I used to be your favourite student!"

Voldemort shrugged: "You'd be out of school at the end of the year anyway! So, make your final wish, Potter!"

Harry thought for a second and then exclaimed: "I WISH YOU WOULDN'T DO IT… HA!"

Voldemort sighed and grumbled but then laughed: "HA, I didn't say I would grant the wish!"

Harry grumbled: "Damn it… I should have known!"

"So, Harry, it will be over in a second!" Voldemort promised raising his wand again.

A second passed and nothing happened. Everyone out of the audience looked at their watches and murmured something like: "She's late again…"

A few more seconds later the door was pushed open and Ginny stormed into the room.

"Only over my dead body!" she shouted stepping in front of Harry shielding him from Voldemort.

You-Know-Who rolled his eyes and stated: "Okay, then over your dead body too…"

Before he could do anything however, Ron came into the room stepping in front of Ginny exclaiming: "Over my dead body, that's my sister and my best friend!"

Even before Voldemort could say anything Hermione came into view too and stood before Ron: "Over my dead boy, that's the boy I love, his sister and my best friend!"

Voldemort sighed exaggeratedly but didn't say anything just in case someone would still come in.

They had to wait for a few seconds but then Neville came into the room as well and stepped in front of everyone: "This is…" he started.

The entire audience exclaimed: "OH NO, NOT AGAIN!"

Neville shut up immediately and just remained standing there without explaining what everyone knew anyway.

Only then everyone looked back to Voldemort who had fainted, because he couldn't take the insanity any longer, in the meantime.

"I know that feeling, buddy!" Harry exclaimed.

A moment later there were screams heard out of the bedroom and Snape jumped out of the door jumping from one leg to the other screaming: "I touched it, oh Merlin, I touched it! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…" When he noticed that there were many people looking at him he stood straight, put his sour expression into place and explained in a cold voice: "I just finished the snake… so, go ahead Harry!"

Everyone applauded. Harry was so relieved that he hugged Ginny, Ron hugged Hermione for no special reason. And also the fan-girls couldn't be held on their seats and so everyone ran to hug everyone.

Most of the fans also didn't bother stepping over Voldemort's unconscious figure but ran straight over him.

So everyone in the room was happy. Harry because he was safe for the moment.

Ginny because she had helped saving Harry.

Ron and Hermione because they were being important too.

Neville because he was being hugged by his fan-girls.

Snape because he had had an appearance again and although he would never ever admit it, because he was being hugged by his fans too.

Lupin because he was being held out of everything, being hugged by his fans too and because he had won a ton of chocolate in a competition.

And all the fans, except for Voldemort's, who had come too late to intervene, were happy because they came to hug their favourite characters.

Right before they could go and celebrate in the Great Hall Voldemort came to his feet again though.

"D'oh!" Harry exclaimed "Hey, your Horcruxes are all gone… and like 100 people ran over you… why aren't you dead?"

Voldemort listened to Harry and then asked with tears into his eyes: "My Horcruxes are all gone?"

Harry sighed and nodded: "Yes, the diary, the ring, the locket, although we still haven't found out who destroyed that one, the tea cup, the boxer shorts and…"

Drum rolls were heard in the distance.

"… Nagini, your snake!" Harry finished the talk.

Voldemort laughed: "My last Horcrux was not hidden in Nagini! It is…"

That moment the lights went off and the chapter was over…


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: ****I own none of the original characters or the setting of this story... and I am pretty sure that even this disclaimer has been used before, but I don't know who did it... ;-) **

**Author's note: ****So this was a quick update so I wouldn't leave you with the cliffhanger for too long! I am an angel, ain't I? and again thanks to all my lovely reviewers! I love you all!  
**

**chapter sixteen**

Seconds later the lights went on again and everyone looked at everyone else to see if something had happened in the meantime.

As soon as they had noticed that this short interruption was just for the author to make up her mind about how this story was meant to go on Voldemort cleared his throat.

„As I've already been wanting to say before someone interrupted me in a very rude manner, my last Horcrux is not Nagini but…" Voldemort started saying again.

Harry coughed and got hit over the head for this because he had interrupted Professor Riddle again when he was about to explain something.

"Ok… then again: My last Horcrux is…" You-Know-Who started again and looked into the audience to make sure everyone was listening: "Is…"

"If he had put as much tension as that into any of his lessons I wouldn't have fallen asleep so often!" Ron murmured and got hit over the head by Hermione who thought that one shouldn't sleep in lessons no matter what.

Suddenly everyone started hitting someone over the head for various reasons and so no one was interested into Voldy's story for a moment.

"…Snape!" Voldemort said.

"Pardon?" Harry asked. He was the only one standing near enough to have heard anything.

"SNAPE!" Voldemort shouted: "HE'S MY LAST HORCRUX! BUT YOU'LL NEVER EVER EVER EVER FIND OUT BECAUSE YOU'RE SO STUPID!"

Everyone fell silent immediately and looked at him but it took some moments before Hermione could speak: "Well, Sir, everyone in Great Britain knows that now, you were pretty loud… my ears hurt!"

Snape frowned and asked: "Why would I be your Horcrux?"

Voldemort put that A-REALLY-REALLY-LONG-STORY-IS-COMING expression on his face: "You know, when my mother was still young, she had a dog… oh, wait, that's another story… so, when I was trying to find my family to get rid of them I found out that my mother still had a great grand cousin left…"

"And I'm related to that one?" Severus asked impatiently as always.

"No… well, where was I?" Voldemort went on "Right, that great grand cousin had a sister who had a little baby boy…"

"And that's me?" Snape asked because he was fed up with the story slowly but steadily.

"NO! Now wait for a moment, will you? So, that boy had a best friend and that's you!" the Dark Lord finished.

Snape looked petrified and stunned at the same time and then he murmured: "I had a friend?"

Everyone raised an eyebrow.

Then Ginny spoke: "But doesn't that mean that Harry has to get rid of Snape…"

"Professor Snape!" Snape growled.

"Well, ok, get rid of Professor Snape in order to destroy the horcrux?" Ginny asked logical as always.

Voldemort nodded: "Well, either that or washing his hair until all the grease is gone!"

Snape tried to get away unnoticed when hearing this but it wouldn't work anyway.

Hermione smiled somewhat wickedly and pointed her wand at Professor Snape.

All he had to say to this was: "Eep!"

So Hermione put a spell on him which caused all the brooms in the castle to carry buckets of water to the room and pour them over Snape's head.

His two fan-girls moved their eyebrows up and down repeated times and grabbed pieces of soap starting to shampoo his hair.

Snape sat on the floor grumbling with crossed arms and an expression which could have killed someone.

The procedure seemed to last longer than anyone would have expected and so the audience got bored.

"Hey, I could start the duel with you in the meantime… just so something happens!" Harry suggested looking at Professor Riddle.

The other nodded and took his wand again.

"So, ready?" he asked.

Harry shook his head: "Just a second…"

"Hm… too bad I'm not supposed to play fair! Expelliarmus!" Voldemort shouted.

Harry's wand was sent flying yet again, and if it could have talked it might have quit its job.

One second before Voldemort could finish Harry however, Professor Trelawney opened the door and entered dramatically. "Don't do this, it's senseless!"

Everyone sighed and many people started talking at the same time so no one truly understood what anyone was saying until Snape shouted: "SOAP IN MY EYE! THE PAIN THE PAIN!"

"Thank you Severus!" Sybil said calmly and then added: "As everyone here said: Yes, I made the prophecy… but not the one you think I made!"

Ron sighed and said what everyone thought: "Dear, one real prophecy and even that one was fake… old fraud!"

Sybil blushed heavily: "Well, it was like that… I made a real prophecy, but that one was so boring… no one would have read a book about a prophecy saying that Voldemort would wear bunny slippers!"

Voldemort opened his eyes in shock and exclaimed: "That woman is a real seer! I AM WEARING BUNNY SLIPPERS TO BET EVERY NIGHT!"

Harry laughed loudly: "There goes my image of the overly evil Dark Lord!"

Professor Riddle looked at Harry and said: "Crucio!" but only just for a second.

"Ouch… there comes the image again!" Harry whined and hid behind Ginny.

"So, Harry doesn't have to kill me?" the Dark Lord asked finally.

Sybil nodded: "That's true, but you also don't have to be evil, Tom, you're a good boy deep down!"

Voldemort laughed: "In your dreams! I've got an army of Death Eaters, feared by everyone and evil to the core!"

Suddenly Lucius Malfoy ran in giggling and tagged Voldemort and ran off again.

Everyone around raised an eyebrow and looked at the Dark Lord.

Suddenly You-Know-Who broke down crying and whimpered: "It's true, we are not evil… well, not anymore! We were trying hard but it didn't work!"

Everyone faked some compassion until Hermione thought of something: "Wait, there were evil things going on lately… who did all these things if not Death Eaters?"

Voldemort sighed: "Hey, if you ask things like that at the end of a chapter you should know that this is the perfect possibility for an author to make a cliff-hanger and have the readers wait for the answer!"

Hermione rolled her eyes: "Well, I didn't know I could ask this before, now did I? So, who is it?"

Voldemort looked around scared for a moment and then whispered: "Luna Lovegood!"

"So that's why she wasn't in the story! It's not because the author forgot about her!" Harry exclaimed.

"I think this is a foul excuse for forgetting her and a really stupid reason to have a sequel eventually!" Ron complained and was hit by a brick immediately.

"But why would Luna…?" Ginny began her question but before anyone could answer the scene faded out and the chapter was over just in time to leave the readers wondering what was up with everything.


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: Hello, my name is Sandra... and I am an obsessed Harry Potter fan!  
Everyone: Hello Sandra!  
Me: Thank you... so, I want to tell you about my problem today: I love the Harry Potter stories, but I don't own anything of them... such as original characters or the setting...  
Everone: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  
**

**Chapter seventeen**

Ginny waited patiently until everyone was at their place again to finish her question: "So, why should Luna be the real villain behind everything?"

The Dark Lord looked around as if he was terribly afraid of anything and then answered in a whisper: "All the things she was always talking about… they do exist… and they told her that she could take over the world with their help… so that's what she's up to! And she makes it look as if I was the EVIL one here… I'm really nice!"

Everyone frowned but before something more could happen the Snape-fan-girls screamed: "We're done!"

Everyone else looked towards them and there was a moment of total silence… then everyone started laughing manically.

The fans whistled innocently and stepped away a bit from Severus who didn't know why everyone was laughing.

So he cast a simple accio spell at some mirror near them and nearly fainted seeing himself.

"Maybe… too much soap… too aggressive soap…" one of the fan-girls squealed.

"Or too much bleaching powder…" the other added silently and then shouted so everyone could hear it: "But I still love you with white hair! It looks sexy! Look at Lupin, his is greying too and everyone likes him!"

Lupin's fans shouted: "We even love him!"

Remus rolled his eyes but nodded: "How true… maybe I should dye it… we can go to the hairdresser's together, Severus!"

Snape however looked peacefully as he stood up and spoke in a calm voice: "Never mind, Remus, my friend, looks are not important… I found inner peace! From now on you can call me Severus the white!"

Everyone frowned once again and someone shouted: "Not another thing which is taken from Lord of the Rings!"

A second later Severus shook his head and then ran against a wall head forward.

When he stood up again he looked just as sour as he had always before and announced: "Detention for every student in this room, no more autographs for the fan-girls and my eternal hate for Lupin! Heck, I feel like I wasn't myself for a moment!"

Interestingly enough the fan-girls were totally happy with this and jumped up to hug him. For a moment they had feared to have lost their favourite character.

Only after this was done however people turned back to Voldemort.

"But, if you're not the evil one here… then what shall we do with you?" Harry asked what everyone thought.

"My inner eye tells me that something terrible will happen to him anyway, you don't need to bother thinking about a punishment!" Trelawney stated as casually as if she was talking about the weather.

Voldemort looked at Sybil and whispered: "That woman is creepy!"

"You're telling me?" Harry asked disbelieving and not knowing that You-Know-Who had meant his comment a little different to what everyone thought.

"Maybe Trelawney will scare Voldemort to death!" Ron suggested.

At this Professor Riddle started giggling in a really un-evil way: "Well, she could scare me every time she wanted!"

Hermione giggled too at this: "First comes love, then comes marriage…"

Everyone looked at her as if she was crazy until Voldemort spoke again: "How true, I think I love you Sybil! There can't be any woman as negative as you in the world you surely are unique!"

Harry frowned: "I surely hope there are no others like her!"

"I foresee some detention for Mister Potter!" Trelawney declared and then looked at Voldemort: "Well, we could discuss this somewhere else, maybe with a nice cup of tea!"

You-Know-Who nodded quickly and so they went off together and left everyone else wondering.

There was silence for a few minutes before Snape asked: "So, that's it? They bleached my hair for nothing?"

Harry shrugged.

Everyone thought about the question for a while.

"Severus made a good question though!" Remus admitted: "Is this the end of the story? Well, there's no villain around anymore… the day is saved…!"

Slowly but steadily the scene started to fade out when Harry shouted: "STOP! There's one more thing to do!"

The scene went to full screen again immediately and everyone was wondering what he was up to.

Harry went to his knees in front of Ginny and asked: "Do you want to marry me, Ginny?" then he turned to the audience for a moment and winked: "What's the end of a story when it's not a little cheesy at least?"

Ginny smiled from one ear to the other, some tears filled her eyes when she whispered softly: "You dream, Potter! No, thank you!"

Everyone was petrified for a moment and half the audience fainted before Ginny laughed and said: "Gotcha! Sure I will!"

The only problem was that Harry had been one of the first people who had fainted and so he hadn't heard the latter. So Ginny had to wake him up and explain the situation to him before he was happy finally.

Hermione sighed and said: "This is so romantic! Maybe I should have pleased the Harry/Hermione shippers rather than the Ron/Hermione shippers!"

Ron growled: "Buddy, you're always getting all of us into trouble… Well, ok, Mione, do you want to marry me too?"

"You always have to copy Harry, don't you?" Hermione asked back.

"You wanted this!" Ron argued.

"As sensitive as a brick!" Hermione claimed then she turned to the audience and winked too: "What's a story without any arguments?"

Someone asked finally: "So, is this the end?"

Everyone shrugged but Ginny seemed to know the answer, as she interestingly had always seemed to throughout this story.

"No, because this story will never end! There will always be people thinking of sequels for the strangest reasons!"

"But, honey," Harry began "Will there be any more chapters to this story?"

"No, because the author has to go back to school by Monday and so doesn't want to begin anything anymore before she knows if she has the time to write on with it!" Ginny explained.

Everyone nodded satisfied, and most of the original characters couldn't deny that they were secretly really glad that this was over.

Everyone who dared to say it aloud was hit by a brick, by the way, Snape managed to get the record with 9 bricks in a row!

So the scene ends with a picture of Hogwarts castle, saved one more time by Harry Potter, fading in the distance.

****

**Final Author's note:** **So, yes, this is the end for now... I don't know if I'll have any time or inspiration for any writing as soon as my Uni starts again! Anyway, thanks to all my readers, and specially to all my reviewers!  
Well, Fred and George haven't been in here, sorry to everyone who wanted it, but that would just have been forced, because I never planed for them to be there... and I seem to have lost Draco along the way... Oops.. well, he was just featuring! ;-) **

**So, no more cliffhangers, but maybe a sequel when I can think of anything... afterall the true villain is still out there! **

**I hope you liked reading this story as I liked writing it! Have a nice time everyone! See you at one of my future stories, maybe! **


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